I Want To Confess

Good Morning,

Do you have a closet confession?

I used to bite my nails. real. bad.

I was such a nervous little girl. Why? I’m not sure, but I even picked my toenails to the quick. Yep. I did this way into my 20’s. Talk about embarrassing. I was supposed to be the “stylish one,” the “trendsetter.” The term “fashionista” wasn’t around back then, but whatever it was called, I was it. Or at least I was trying to be it.

Only sporting bitten nails, and bloody cuticles, weren’t exactly pretty, nor the latest fashion trend, darn it. My put-together look was lacking.

My mother even tried to coax me to stop by offering to pay me money for every nail that I let grow to the tip of my finger. I still couldn’t do it.

I found myself hiding my hands all of the time. There are years of photos with my hands curled into a fist, and forget open toed sandals. Nope not for me. My boyfriend at the time used to make fun of me by holding up a ginger root insinuating the ugly root was the twin sister to my fingers. He thought it was funny. I didn’t. It was very hurtful.

Then, I moved to Los Angles, the city of perfect, beautiful people. Not only did I feel like I had to be fully made up to walk out of the house, (Outfit? Check. Hair? Check. Make-up? Check. Nails? Ugh.) I was even more distraught going to fashion design school, where my ginger root stubs were on full display while I sewed, sketched, and made patterns. It was impossible to hide them.

And then a miracle happened. In the land of la-la, I discovered acrylic nails! I thought I had found the cure! The pretty painted “strong” nails gave me such confidence that I barely put my hand in my mouth. Have you ever tried to bite off a fake nail?

My life had changed.

I felt glamorous and put-together for the very first time. I was flaunting my long painted nails at every opportunity I could. I would wave them proud and offer them up into the air like precious jewels in the sunlight.

For awhile they worked. Until they didn’t.

I found that if I waited too long to have them filled again (I was away at school, and on a budget – I would rather eat steamed cabbage for a week so that I could buy a new pair of shoes. And I did), they would start to lift and my old bad habit would emerge. I would start to pick, until I was pretty much ripping them off, nail by nail. There were even times where I picked them off because I felt like my fingernails couldn’t breathe. I know that sounds strange but it was the way I felt.

My acrylic nail days were over and the nervous biting began. again. And again, out of embarrassment, my hands ran for cover and hid. (sigh)

It wasn’t until many years later that I started to work overseas in Bali that I stopped biting my nails. Unlike, the book, “Eat Pray Love,” where Elizabeth Gilbert tells how she made the difficult choice to leave behind all the trappings of modern American success, I didn’t leave behind all my bad habits, and in case you are guessing, no I did not fall in love either.

I stopped biting my nails out of fear. Yep, fear. My nickname to some back then was “Howard.” To those of you thinking “Howard?” his full name is Howard Hughes. He was very germaphobic. I was too. It never stopped me from putting my hands in my mouth in the good ‘ol U S of A, but hearing about all of the diseases I could catch by putting my fingers in my mouth in Bali was a different story.  This was the impetus that I needed to make me stop.

Once I got on a roll and I could see my nails becoming long and beautiful all on their own, the focus to chew on them faded, and I relished in all of the fabulous colors I could choose to paint them with. Don’t get me wrong, I fell back a few times. Bad habits are hard to break. But eventually the embarrassment I felt trying to hide my nails was overpowered by the confidence and ease that I felt when my nails looked pretty. Plus, it didn’t hurt that now I was sporting some awesome jewels on my fingers and wrists that were begging to be seen! Thanks mom for trying. Money didn’t do it, but you know what they say about diamonds! 🙂

Fast forward to today. My nails have been growing fast, long and strong for years now. However, I still struggle just a teensy bit with the bad habit, especially when I am super stressed. But I know what to do when that feeling arises so I am able to manage it.  When I get real busy and they get real long, that habit raises its ugly head and I know it’s time to get a manicure or I’ll get the urge to pick at them just to shorten them! I know, crazy right?

Do you have something about yourself that challenges you today? Or perhaps something from the past that you would like to share? How did you resolve it? Or are you still working on it?

Perhaps I or one of my readers can help. The important thing is to know that you are not alone. We all have something about ourselves that has challenged us in our past and perhaps is still with us today. We all have something that we want to change or at least improve in ourselves.

Because most of my clients tell me that they struggle with their weight, even a tiny bit, I will end with saying what I say to them:

“Don’t wait to feel beautiful and confident because you are not at your ideal weight. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Hellooo…So does fashion. 🙂 Honor and love yourself exactly where you are by adorning yourself in clothes that you look and feel good in, clothes that give you the confidence you are seeking. Don’t be surprised if the weight doesn’t matter much anymore or if it just drops away.” 

I say the same thing to you. Whatever is challenging you today, know that who you are is so much more than what challenges you. Remember to appreciate all that you are, and put your focus on that. Many times when the focus is shifted from something that is challenging, to giving gratitude to something that is positive and uplifting, transformation occurs.

Now, it’s your turn. If you have a tip for today’s topic or a “Closet Confession” that you would like to share, I’d love to hear from you.  Your insights and inspiration are appreciated so please share your stories in the comments below.

Blog me.

Love,

~Michelle